Crushing Then vs Now

When I have a crush I tend to clean my apartment. I feel this effervescent motivation to experience the glowiest version of my reality. My friends have observed this in a really clear way, and I journalled about a similar thing as far back as 2016. I was in my final year of university and crushing on the man who would be my partner for 5 years. I wrote:

“I talk to you strategically, did you know that? Being with you in person dramatically shuts down my productivity, and although art has always been my number one priority (it still is), I can’t deny myself your presence, if it is an option. But texting you, on the other hand, dramatically increases my productivity because a subjective eternity passes in the time between my hitting the send button and the brmph brmph of the bumble bee in my pocket that signifies that you have replied. I use that eternity to get things done.

I know that others have written about the concept of crushing and put emphasis on “crush” also meaning to squish or break: the pain parts. But I think the more centred and secure I am in myself, the more I get to just enjoy the crushy feelings. I know that if a person starts treating me in a way that doesn’t align with my standards, I will either end it or call them out. I trust myself, and that means I get to float around tidying up old projects while I wait (not very long) for [redacted]-guy to text me back.

This is the root of inspiration behind Crushing Softly